Honestly.

torn between two worlds. what i know to be True, and the falsehood of lies that blanket the world so thick you cannot see six inches in front of you. the rest of the world (seemingly for the most part) lives ignorantly in the fog, but not me. in the fog, yes, ignorant- not a chance. i live in knowledge of the clarity that is mine for the grasping, yet why have i not yet claimed it for my own! the groans from my heart bellow "IT'S SO HARD!" The constant battle with the enemy, with myself, with temptation, having sunken so deep in the quicksand culture that i try to climb out of- but grow weary and stop, undoing whatever progress i had made. i've tried giving up, letting myself be fully immersed in the world- but He calls me. He knows i can't resist His voice. He created me for so much more than the muck. so i beg Him, "rescue me" "pull me out." for reasons only He knows, that are no doubt for my own good and for the good of the kingdom He is preparing, its not that easy. how i long to cut the strings of this world, and in the blink of an eye be standing firm on solid ground without a trace of wickedness in sight. i wouldn't be tumbling over the same ELEMENTARY stumbling blocks i continue to faulter with. that i would not even be tempted! that i would FULLY appreciate all He has done- oh, what an ungrateful child i am! i read it, i believe it- but do i? if i truly TRULY believed it- would there be any hesitation to do right?
Romans 7:15 (NLT)
"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate."