11/23/09

Servanthood. It's on my mind and heart constantly lately. It's my brain's topic d'jour! Lots of us like to lead. Jesus said to lead, you must serve. I love this, but it can be easier said than done. People look at serving as something we do here and there. I praise God because I know it is meant to be more, it is meant to be a lifestyle. In my selfish pride, I have for a long time desired to be a leader. It is always high on the ranks when I take those spiritual gifts tests. Who wouldn't rather give an inspiring speech over cleaning up messes and not even getting noticed for it? Well, lately, I wouldn't. I am learning that when you serve God with humility and sincerity, surrendering your desire for recognition or personal gain, there is a blessing that is given from Him to you. It is something there's simply no words for. A joy that seeps deeper into your skin than any surface skimming accolades of your peers. God's joy. I smile just at the thought of it. It goes beyond the satisfaction of knowing you did a good thing.
How did this happen? I am not sure. But if I had to guess, at some point-out of love for and obedience to God-I determined to fill a need if I see one. Whether in front of others or in private, to go the extra mile. Now, there have been many times when my pride or selfishness has fought and won when I had an opportunity. But not giving up. I learned to stifle that urge to "show off" my work, in fact, I might go out of my way to hide that it was me doing it. Doing this repeatedly established a habit. That mysterious amazing joy I spoke of earlier definitely fueled that habit. Before I knew it, serving had become one of my most favorite things to do. If you ask me when i die, whether I would rather leave the legacy of being an influential leader or a humble servant, I would choose the latter. Better yet, I would rather not be remembered so much at all as God be glorified. Let my quotes be marked anonymous, but let them exalt the Name above all names!

Josh Harris on Self Control and Distractions

I saw this video this morning and thought it was so right on the mark, at least in my life. I'm notoriously guilty of allowing myself to be distracted, and subsequently procrastinating what I'm called to do and how I'm called to live. I am definitely convicted by it, and struggle to take action against what is clearly a diversion tactic the enemy uses to keep us from effectively carrying out God's work and being spiritually filled. Doug Fields explains it simply in his book, ReFuel, "...You are not a threat to the enemy when you are spiritually empty. Emptiness is ineffectiveness. Empty is right where Satan wants you."

How many of the things Harris talks about in this video keep you from being filled?
For some reason I can't figure out how to embed it so please click here

God bless!

Hope

Yesterday I attended our church's monthly missions luncheon. I've never been on a missions trip, but I definitely have the desire to be sent out. I read a lot and often consider the poverty of this world and long to help, in any small miniscule way. My brother spent three months in a closed country in North Africa this summer, and he was with me at the luncheon. Also, I brought my daughters. They are too young for global missions, but my prayer for them is they will always be aware of how blessed they are, and the responsiblity that goes along with that blessing. My oldest seems to have a special heart for missions and is eagerly saving for her first trip via the peanut butter container on the fridge.

I definitely walked away from the experience yesterday with a new insight. We listened to several groups including a couple guys who'd gone to New Orleans. One testified to the spiritual need in the hurricane katrina ravaged gulf city. To those who'd had much (compared to the majority of the world) and then had their possessions and security, and in many cases loved ones taken away, their hearts had become hard in many cases. It makes me think of Ramses when he was Pharoah of Egypt and God sent plague after plague after plague to the egyptians, and instead of surrendering to the will of the Sovereign Almighty Lord- the obvious answer- Ramses allowed his heart to become even harder. Sad, indeed.

Then there's the opposite end of the spectrum. We heard from a full time missionary from our church to Haiti, one of the poorest countries in the entire world. I've heard much about Haiti before. The mortality rate of children is so awful, that many parents refuse to even name their children before they turn five. But yesterday this missionary testified that as dismal as the situation seems to us, the Haitians have so much hope. Hope. People die everyday of hunger and preventable disease, yet THEY have hope.

Here we sit, as Americans, full stomachs, full houses, so many luxuries, yet where is our hope? We are quick to worry over the smallest irrelevent things- what we'll wear, what we'll eat, what we'll drive. We put our hope and faith in the emptiest objects. True hope is found in the Lord.

True gratitude, pure gratitude, isn't saying "thanks, God" for the jet tub and ceramic tiled floors, or the big sale at Macy's. Its realizing that we are unworthy of ANYTHING and humbly, wholeheartedly praising and worshipping and thanking the Lord of Lords for life, breath, daily bread. Anything above that is not a "perk" but another denarri meant to bless someone else.

I'm going to go a step further and wonder if thanking God for frivolous things isn't more insulting than gracious??

"Dear Lord, thank you so much for this house. Now the kids can all have their own bedrooms and bathrooms. Thank you, Lord, for the hardwood floors and crown molding. Thank you for the stainless steel appliances, and hardwood floors,and the giant closets in the master bedroom."

I can't help but wonder if God's not up there, His heart painfully aching, "This was never my will for you, child. You will wind up both working overtime to pay for these things. You will spend thousands of dollars filling those closets. Your children will use those bedrooms to shut you out of their lives. I had so much MORE planned for you, if you could have just been content with less, then I would have really showed you riches beyond your wildest dreams- and others would have been so blessed with the extra- how many of my children you could have fed! How many of my servants you could have sent to speak my Word and show them life!"

The sin inside us wants to argue, "God wants me to be happy!" "I worked hard for this!" "That's not my job to do!" The truth is that He has greater joy for us than happiness, we haven't really worked all that hard, and yes, it is our job.

This has sort of become the passage of the year for me:

"Our desire is not htat others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality, as it is written: 'He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little.'" 2 Corinthians 8:13-15

To Nathanial, who quickly put his faith and hope in Jesus, Christ said, "You believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You shall see greater things than that." John 1:50.

I always sort of thought that when a person goes on a missions trip to a third world country for the first time, they come back changed, more appreciative of how God has blessed them because of the destitute culture they witnessed, kind of like saying "Thank goodness I don't have to live like that everyday." but I think now its more of the testimony of hope and faith of those who went to reach out to. "If they, who have nothing, can be so full of hope, then how much more so should I be full of that hope?"

35 Reasons Not To Sin

I'm not aware of who originally wrote this, but it is so convicting (in a good way-challenging the believer towards righteousness) I wanted to share:

35 REASONS NOT TO SIN

Because a little sin leads to more sin.
Because my sin invites the discipline of God.
Because the time spent in sin is forever wasted.
Because my sin never pleases but always grieves God who loves me.
Because my sin places a greater burden on my spiritual leaders.
Because in time my sin always brings heaviness to my heart.
Because I am doing what I do not have to do.
Because my sin always makes me less than what I could be.
Because others, including my family, suffer consequences due to my sin.
Because my sin saddens the godly.
Because my sin makes the enemies of God rejoice.
Because sin deceives me into believing I have gained when in reality I have lost.
Because sin may keep me from qualifying for spiritual leadership.
Because the supposed benefits of my sin will never outweigh the consequences of disobedience.
Because repenting of my sin is such a painful process, yet I must repent.
Because sin is a very brief pleasure for an eternal loss.
Because my sin may influence others to sin.
Because my sin may keep others from knowing Christ.
Because sin makes light of the cross, upon which Christ died for the very purpose of taking away my sin.
Because it is impossible to sin and follow the Spirit at the same time.
Because God chooses not to respect the prayers of those who cherish their sin.
Because sin steals my reputation and robs me of my testimony.
Because others once more earnest than I have been destroyed by just such sins.
Because the inhabitants of heaven and hell would all testify to the foolishness of this sin.
Because sin and guilt may harm both mind and body.
Because sins mixed with service make the things of God tasteless.
Because suffering for sin has no joy or reward, though suffering for righteousness has both.
Because my sin is adultery with the world.
Because, though forgiven, I will review this very sin at the Judgment Seat where loss and gain of eternal rewards are applied.
Because I can never really know ahead of time just how severe the discipline for my sin might be.
Because my sin may be an indication of a lost condition.
Because to sin is not to love Christ.
Because my unwillingness to reject this sin now grants it an authority over me greater than I wish to believe.
Because sin glorifies God only in His judgment of it and His turning of it to good use, never because it is worth anything on it’s own.
Because I promised God he would be Lord of my life.

Some Recent Quotes

Here are some quotes that have spoken to me over the past couple of months:

From Adrien Rogers:

“Friend, you cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. And what one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government can’t give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody. And when half of the people get the idea they don’t have to work because the other half’s going to take care of them, and when the other half get the idea it does no good to work because somebody’s going to get what I work for. That, dear friend, is about the end of any nation.”

-This speaks to my heart in regards to the socialistic turn our country/government has taken. Why do we feel we deserve anything at all? I've been so guilty of this in my own life and beg God to extract such wayward thinking from me!

Great quote about Procrastination from Alexander MacLaren

"No unwelcome tasks become any the less unwelcome by
putting them off till tomorrow. It is only when they are behind
us and done, that we begin to find that there is a sweetness to
be tasted afterwards, and that the remembrance of
unwelcome duties unhesitatingly done is welcome and
pleasant. Accomplished, they are full of blessing, and there is a
smile on their faces as they leave us. Undone, they stand
threatening and disturbing our tranquility, and hindering our
communion with God. If there be lying before you any bit of
work from which you shrink, go straight up to it, and do it at
once. The only way to get rid of it is to do it."
‐Alexander MacLaren (1826‐1910), Scottish preacher

---I found this quote while reading a really awesome article on the difference between being busy and being productive.... I highly recommend it!:
http://www.sovereigngraceministries.org/Reference/Blog/cj-mahaney-biblical-productivity.pdf

A quote from a book I am currently reading by Mark Steele called, Christianish:

"We have done more damage to the world's impression of Jesus by feigning inaccurate perfection than we could ever cause by allowing those who don't follow Jesus to see us wrestling our sins and flaws to the ground." -Mark Steele, Christianish

Interestingly, I have jotted down these quotes over the span of several months, but in my heart, they are tied together and summed up in one dangerous characteristic we are all guilty of, self-awareness. The light bulb went off in my head just yesterday as I was reading from Oswald Chambers: My Upmost for His Highest.
"THIS is what God has been trying to work on in me!"
Chambers says,

"Self-awareness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of our life in God... Anything that disturbs our rest in Him should be rectified at once."

My own self-awareness must be replaced with Christ-awareness. This, I believe, is a discipine learned by being alert to when my heart or mind strays from the Lord to myself, and immediately and intentionally doing a 180 and shifting my focus back to God Almighty. Not excusing my temptation to think of myself for a second, and humbly inviting the Lord to be my all in all. Chambers continues his thought on this into today's devotional. He says,

"Beware of allowing your self-awareness to continue, because slowly and surely it will awaken self-pity, and self-pity is satanic."

Then he says something I am still trying to wrap my head around,

"A child of God is not aware of the will of God because he IS the will of God. When we have deviated even slightly from the will of God, we begin to ask, 'Lord, what is your will?'"

Food for thought.

FCA Endurance

I recently came accross this group right here in my hometown and I am very excited to be their newest member. For months I've been searching and praying for a way to tie my faith in with my running, and I'm convinced this is a way God has answered that prayer. The following is the FCA Endurance Creed, and I think its perfect!

I am a Christian first and last.
I am created in the likeness of
God Almighty to bring Him glory.
I am a member of Team Jesus Christ.
I wear the colors of the cross

I am a Competitor now and forever.
I am made to strive, to strain,
to stretch and to succeed
in the arena of competition.
I am a Christian Competitor
and as such, I face my challenger
with the face of Christ.

I do not trust in myself.
I do not boast in my abilities
or believe in my own strength.
I rely solely on the power of God.
I compete for the pleasure of
my Heavenly Father, the honor of Christ
and the reputation of the Holy Spirit.





My attitude on and off
the field is above reproach-
my conduct beyond criticism.
Whether I am preparing,
practicing or playing;
I submit to God’s authority
and those He has put over me.
I respect my coaches, officials,
teammates and competitors
out of respect for the Lord.


My body is the temple of Jesus Christ.
I protect it from within and without.
Nothing enters my body that
does not honor the Living God.
My sweat is an offering to my Master.
My soreness is a sacrifice to my Savior.


I give my all – all of the time.
I do not give up. I do not give in.
I do not give out. I am the Lord’s warrior –
a competitor by conviction
and a disciple of determination.
I am confident beyond reason
because my confidence lies in Christ.
The results of my efforts
must result in His glory.


LET THE COMPETITION BEGIN.
LET THE GLORY BE GOD’S.

Glorifying God

As one who enjoys writing, I find it entirely frustrating when I have so much bubbling in my mind to say, yet when I sit to pour it all out, I end up with a mess. How I need a mental funnel! That said, let me attempt to put together a sensical post.

In his book, Don't Waste Your Life, John Piper talks about our God-given purpose on earth, the very reason we are here, which is to glorify God. Piper talks about the word "glorify," and how it is often misinterpreted. We tend to think that to glorify God is to "bring beauty" to Him. But, alas, we cannot add to God's beauty- it is impossible! Piper goes on to explore another definiteion of "glorify" which is to magnify. This can also be misleeding if we look to make the One True God bigger than He already is- another impossible task. However, if likened to the way a telescope magnifies, we would have a much better definition of our purpose. Piper writes, "With the Hubble Space Telescope, pinprick galaxies in the sky are revealed for the billion-star giants that they are. Magnifying God like that is worship....God created us for this: To live our lives in a way that makes Him look more like the greatness and the beauty and the infinite worth that He really is."
How often I have spouted the terms "To God's glory" "Be glorified, Lord." and so on, but without having ever stopped to consider what this truly means. Alongside that, we are to conform to the likeness of Christ, and in truth, if we are glorifying Him, we are "to image forth in the world what He is really like." So that causes me to ask of myself, "Am I bringing God glory? How much of myself, my life, causes others to see Christ when they look at me?" Whew. Yikes. (((slides down in chair))) This is something I DO ask myself often and its such a difficult answer to give. I hardly feel as though God is being adequately glorified, even if measured to the limited extent of my ability, but the other end of that, is when I am trying my very best to deflect ones attentions onto the Lord, where it properly belongs, my efforts seem fruitless. Constantly.
Here is my newest resolution. I resolve that I would not fit in. Should you line me up with 5,000,000 non-believers, that I would grossly stick out. That if the Lord should return to the Earth during my lifetime to scoop up His children from the world, that I would not so resemble the world that He would not be able to easily find me. And to that, should anyone be searching for their Savior, that Christ would be so prevalent in me that God could use my life to show Himself to that seeker, if that makes any sense.

Here, John Piper explains it better:

Doing Hard Things

It's been quite a few weeks for me, spiritually. With exhausted eyes and a dilerious grin I'm happy to inform that the pretense of my opening sentence is a positive one. Perhaps it's even been, dare I say it, a defining moment in my life where the Lord has blessed my socks off by chiseling away a few more cement scales from my eyes and revealed to me a clearer, more precious joy than I have ever known. One not governed by circumstance or even feeling, but by the greater knowledge of the Most High, whom I seek to humbly serve and whom I delight in calling "Father."

I mentioned in my previous post, two life-changing resources that have helped to ignite this newfound joyous passion to step out of convenience-Christianity and discover and embrace the life of the radically obedient and radically blessed follower. The incredible, God-inspired insight of Beth Moore and Francis Chan are challenging its readers in a way that I hope spreads like wildfire through the lives of Christ-followers. I'd like to add another resource to the bucket.

Interestingly, I haven't read the book yet, so let me rather direct you to the ministry itself, started by teens and directed primarily for teenagers, these two boys have revolutionized the way I view adolescence years and have me devouring their blogposts like its my job. In an odd way, given that I'm raising three teenagers-to-be, I suppose it is. But the harvest of insight I'm reaping thus far has been entirely applicable to my own life! Ok, are you curious yet?



Since I'm still inept to turning the logo into a clickable shortcut to the website, let me direct you to: www.therebelution.com.
So what's the big deal about this ministry? In their book "Do Hard Things" and through their conferences they challenge teens (and subsequently ALL believers) to stop settling for the low expectations our current culture has set, and to raise the bar dramatically to live according to God's expectations. In case you were wondering, the two aren't even remotely close to one another.

I'll leave the website to explain how that is played out in a teen's life and share how I'm choosing to apply it as a simple, 27 year old, stay at home wife and mother of three. You see, in my neck of the woods, I'm a good girl. Not perfect, and nobody who knows me would dare suggest such a ridiculous thing, but for the most part I am more of a rule-follower than rule-breaker. I don't lie, steal, curse, fight, get drunk, let my kids drink soda from a sippy cup, etc. This, combined with trips to church once or twice a week would put me into the man-appointed category of being a "good Christian." Anything more than that, would most likely label me a "FREAK." And its within those two boundaries I have kept myself for FAR TOO LONG! Shattering the shackles of societical chains, such standards simply hold no appeal to me anymore. Label me a freak, outcast me, isolate me from the rest of the world- I don't care! Cuz when its all said and done, your opinions don't mean a blessed thing!

Now I'm beginning to truly understand what James 1:22 says,
"Do not merely listen to the Word and so decieve yourselves, do what it says."
I've read it a thousand times, nodded emphatically with a "yes, that's right, of course, amen." But applying it?! You mean REALLY loving the Lord with ALL my heart, soul, mind and body?! You mean really LOVING my ENEMIES?! You mean forsaking ALL else?! And what about "Deny yourself and take up the cross and follow me." -REALLY?!!! Deny myself, not exactly something I've ever been partial to doing. And that taking up my cross thing, that sounds kinda hard.... YES!!!! I can almost imagine the Lord leaping up from His throne, "Finally, she gets it!" Well, I can say I think I'm really starting to get it, there's SO MUCH more work to be done on this sinful soul.

Suddenly I'm seeing Scripture in a whole new light. Flipping through the New Testament I glance over verses underlined in the past, ones that provoked something within me, and even those, have taken on new meaning. I'm challenged to "Be careful, and watch yourselves so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart. But teach them to your children, and to their children." as Deuteronomy 4:9 instructs.

You might consider such a challenge for yourself, and you might be tempted to say its TOO hard or its TOO much work, but label that for what it is- exactly what the enemy would have you believe, and not for a moment an excuse you can back with Scripture. Let me offer you one more encouragement. I have known no greater joy than what I've experienced the past two weeks. They have hardly been without hardship, but the tired eyes, those are from hours spent in the Word- I can't get enough! God most assuredly will bless your radical obedience, and you can claim my heart's verse for yourself, "Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy" 1 Peter 1:8.

Rebelling Against Low Expectations

Having just finished the book Crazy Love and being knee deep in my Esther study, I am both challenged and enthrawled by the Lord and His Word. Just as I sit here attempting to type about it, I feel at an utter loss for words to describe the yearning of my heart to consumed by Him. When Scripture talks about the Holy Spirit, when words fail us, making groans to God on our behalf, I complete understand the feeling of this. Day after day, reading of God's goodness I feel the urge to drop to my face in worship. I get so frustrated because of all that I want to do. All that I want to retain. All that I want to put into action RIGHT NOW.
My mind has been swirling. Challenged to throw off my old self and let go of the world, my priorities are shifting. I tell my husband, "Let's live at the U.S. median income and give the rest away!" Gone are my fantasies of gadgets and gizmos galore and uppity neighborhoods and a walk-in closet full of high end denim. Gone are the excuses, "If I only had....then I could feel free to give God...." Ridiculous! And as soon as my husband makes the call, we are nixing the internet for our phone service (no more facebooking in traffic). Here's one: Gone are my desires for my girls to experience the excessive american lifestyle- trendy clothes, expensive sports camps, lavish vacations. I just shut off my satelite service today: days before school vacation begins (gasp!). I am bursting at the seams for my three little darlings to have this same passion for their Saviour! I dread the idea that any sort of worldliness would keep them from True fulfillment!!
The sad truth of the matter is that their desire for the Lord has been there for a long time, its their mamas own inconsistancy that has shortchanged them. My oldest has such a heart for missions thanks in large part to some very close friends of ours. She longs to go to the corners of the earth to reach out to those in need. She was nearly outraged when she learned her uncle was spending the summer in a closed country in Africa on the missions field and she wasn't gonna get to go. My youngest takes great comfort in our daily Bible reading. I can't imagine, outside of divine providence, that she understands much of it, but it gives her peace and many days she holds me accountable to reading to them. My middle one, heaven bless her, isn't so obvious all the time, but she surprises me by what she does retain, when i'm convinced she's not listening!
I'm overcome with gratefulness for a Father who faithfully receives a wayward child, forgives her endless list of sins, and not just that, but showers her with His perfect love! If I am the prodigal, then this is the feast! I feel embraced by my Lord, adorned in His graced, celebrated, and cherished! He fans the flame of my heart!

Esther- on being crowned queen.

This was a journaling exercise from Beth Moore's study on Esther that I am currently doing. I tried to have a little fun with it. It takes place a week after Esther is crowned queen, after a seven day party thrown in her honour. She's lying in bed, desperately in need of rest, but unable to sleep...

“Queen of Persia! QUEEN OF PERSIA!!!”

“I can hardly wrap my head around all that has happened these last days!
That the King would choose me!- It makes no sense at all! Yet, here I am!

"And would you look at this place?! Why my entire village could sleep on this bed and not be cramped for room! I’ve seen more riches this past week than I ever knew existed- and I thought the harem was brimming with them!

"Oh, the harem- I am so grateful to be out of that place. I did my best to get along with everyone, but some of those women made it so difficult! The cattiness and the gossip! Such hurting souls so hungry for affirmation, not realizing that their being displayed would afford them just that, but how empty it would feel! And, then, to be…… to……. (shudder runs down her back, tears suddenly pour from her eyes) disgraced, robbed of their innocence and destined to live out her days as a concubine!

“What am I doing here?!?!"

"What would mom and dad think? Oh, what must be going through Mordecai’s head right now! That poor man has been pacing himself silly for a year now! How worried he must be! I wish I could know if he is at least remembering to eat! Perhaps now that I am taken care of that man might notice widow Yovela- she’s been sweet on him for as long as I can remember. Ah, Mordecai, how I wish I were home with you now, tucked in my old bed listening to you recite your evening prayers. I always figured when I married, it would be to someone in the village, so that I can see my dear cousin every day.

“I guess it just wasn’t to be. Now I’m quite sure I will not even see my own husband every day! My husband! I don’t even know the man! All I know of him is what I have overheard in the harem, and I can’t say it casts a favorable light his direction. What if he exiles me like he did his first wife? What if I upset him? I have heard of his temper and of his indulgences. The girls called it the four W’s “Women, wine, war, and wealth.” Sounds like a sad life to me. They told me of the King’s drunken demand that she flaunt herself in front of all his noble buddies and the way she openly refused. Rumor has it, the King’s anger and humiliation burned so fiercely he couldn’t see straight for months. Why, they say Vashti was the whole reason he lost the war!

“Hanessah!!!! Get a hold of yourself! You know better than to pay any attention to here say! Mordecai would be mortified- he would have your backside for sure!

"No, I must not make assumptions, and rely on what I know. Well, I know that the first thing I noticed when I was brought to the king that fateful day was that he seemed a lot older than I had expected. There was a sadness around his eyes that seemed to convey a weariness over the past and resignation over the future. Yes, they were sad eyes indeed.

"I could tell immediately that Hagai had been right about going with the red rubies and simple white gown. “Esther,” he had said, “Your inner beauty will radiate like the desert sun, anything more than this will only take from all that you have to offer the king.” (chuckles) Sounds like something my dear cousin would say.

“One thing for certain, the kindness and gentleness in the king’s voice was completely unexpected. I felt as though I was doing everything wrong, but when he smiled I nearly came undone! And when he asked my thoughts on the new marriage laws I thought I was really in for it! Immediately I realized I was being tested- would I dare disagree with the king’s edict and risk the same fate as Vashti? Or would I stand firm with God’s law and tell the truth? With a giant knot in my throat and a quick prayer toward heaven, I tried to be as respectful as I knew how in my response. At first he said nothing, I braced for the worst, his eyes were fixed on mine and his jaw was set, then slowly he relaxed and sighed, and in a small voice that only I could hear he leaned in and said, “I can’t say I completely disagree. That was not my proudest moment.”

“Was that really an entire week ago?! It seems like only seconds have passed since the King placed that crown upon my head and declared me Queen of all Persia! Its been non-stop ever since. The party, in my favor- I am certain was another test! And all the people and customs and rules and decisions! I think this is the first night I’ve had a chance to really reflect on everything that has transpired.

“I still can’t seem to get over it! I don’t know whether I am coming or going!! I can’t even imagine what will happen tomorrow, let alone years from now. Never in all my wildest dreams as little girl running around the marketplace in Susa could I have imagined that God had THIS in mind for me now. I don’t even know where to begin to take it all in!

"Oh wait, yes I do!”

Esther slips from her covers and to the ground, folds her legs beneath her body and presses her hands and forehead to the cold marble floor, “El Shaddai, I am yours, guide your servant, and let your will be accomplished! Praise you, Mighty King of Kings…” And that is where her maidservants found the new Queen of Persia asleep the next morn.

"What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
-Psalm 8:4

"Arise, O Lord, let not man triumph; let the nations be judged in your presence. Strike them with terror, O Lord; let the nations know they are but men."
-Psalm 9:19,20

If you were a fly on the wall inside my head the past few weeks you will have witnessed a collaboration of renewed realization in the mighty majesty and incomparable glory of the One True God with a sudden awareness of my own UNworthiness and the overwhelmingly shameful complacency of my faith thus far and that of so many believers like me. Especially those with whom God has blessed their socks off in this little place called America, and whom seem utterly ungrateful.

I have, for the fullness of my 27.5 years been one of these, and my own LUKEWARMNESS shames me greatly. I have had enough of it! I have ridden the fence since salvation and, to tell you the truth, I make myself sick. God has blessed me, though up until recently I tended to resent it, with an "over-active conscious." By that I mean that I feel convicted over sin incredibly easily. I can't get the needle just barely on the other side of the speed limit without the heavy awareness of my disobedience. Unfortunately, I have not allowed this to stop my "small" sins hardly ever, and have even allowed more than my share of "biggins" to slip under the door and take up residence in my life. The convictions never go, though. Thank the Lord for the Holy Spirit who moved in a decade ago and refuses to leave! :)

So. Its spring cleaning season, and I'm sweeping off the cobwebs and tidying up the collasol mess! God has seen to bless me by whitewashing the walls. Scripture is hard at work to polish and scrub even the tiniest of crevices. And I am remembering the peace and freedom that comes with a "clean house." Without the burden of filth hanging on my shoulders, I am freed up to hopefully be used by the Lord and focus on others.

Ok, I think I've exhausted that analogy. But I just want to express that I desperately long to live the life of a radical believer. I don't want to be tossed and blown by the wind, nor do I have any desire to look at myself in the mirror, and walk away forgetting what I look like. I don't want to settle for american christianity and buy into the lies that a life that has God in it is the same as living my life for God. How I wish this sort of awakening for my brothers and sisters in Christ! God is worth so much more than we (very generally speaking) have been offering to Him!

"I'm Christian"

Lately, my thoughts have turned to how loosely we use the term "Christian" in our culture. If you aren't an athiest or catholic or jewish or buddhist- then you are a christian. It seems to be sort of a catchall for anyone not actively pursuing an all together separate belief, yet that person doesn't seem interested in exploring God either. Now, technically I believe that's being called an agnostic, so let me define it further, "I guess I believe in God and all that, I dunno, whatever." So we call them a Christian. If your political views are conservative, you're a Christian. Now, regardless of what you were doing on Saturday night, into the wee hours of Sunday morning, if you roll out of bed and slide into a pew on Sunday, you aren't just a Christian, that makes you a "fanatic" or "Jesus freak."

How many of us are living our lives worthy of such a title? When people ask me, "What religion are you?" or "What denomination are you?" I haven't quite thought up a clever comeback, though I cringe at that word "religion" because it lacks any implication of a personal relationship with God at all, and I'm not a fan of denominations, my answer is straight up, "I'm a Christian." But these days, I want to say so much more. I want to say I'm not JUST a "Christian" but a Bible-believing, heavenbound, sold out life worshipper of the one True El Shaddai, lemmetellyouaboutmySavior Christ-follower!

I'm realizing more and more, and greatly saddened by the fact that so many of us (myself included) practice this watered down worship of the Lord that is such a slap in the face to Him who sits on the throne! Honestly, how much of my day is spent in disobedience, in prideful self-involvement, utterly void of any conscious recognition of the One who created earth and every living thing in it?!

Its an empty shallow life, and such a waste. I want to live this life serving the Lord with wild abandon! The way my heart and soul longs to do, and so often I've allowed either pride or guilt (or both!) keep me from.

5/13/09

Verse for today:

Yesterday, God brought to me a passage in Psalms I'd never read before. In fact, the whole of Psalm 94 lifted me up, but verses 18 and 19 really hit home:

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

How true it is! No matter how far or often I stray from the Lord, the knowledge of His love for me is impossible to let go of or forget. There have been seasons when I flat out told God, "I know this is not right, but I don't care, cuz I want what I want!" There have been pits I've thrown myself in, foolishly forsaking Christ and inviting all sorts of nonsensical sin to dwell in my life. But regardless of how I tried to suffocate the Spirit, my heart knew too much, that which Christ has done for me!

A familiar feeling swept over me yesterday. Suddenly, my heart began racing, my hands shaking, and I felt a sense of urgency overwhelm me. Praise God I recognized what was happening! "Pray!" the Spirit was saying, "Right now, fall to your knees and pray!" I scrambled to discern how I should pray but it was never revealed to me. As names and faces came to mind I interceded as best as I could, but felt as though, and I'm laughing because I wouldn't believe it if I had not experienced it, the Spirit inside me was having a direct conversation with the Lord in a language I could not understand. They were leaving me out! LOL!!

In the past I believe I would have worried myself senseless about the nature of these feelings and set my mind on finding the meaning behind it, but in truth, I'm delighted. I simply relish anytime the Lord chooses to speak to me, whether its in English or not! I was delighted at the opportunity to pray, and be used by Him! Perhaps, God used this as a reminder to me that He is alive and at work in me, perhaps it was to keep my mind focused on Him for the remainder of the day, giving me strength to resist temptations. Maybe it was for no other reasons than those, and maybe there was more to it. I just praise God for who he is and the consolation to my soul which brings so much joy!

Now, I am off to my run, to reflect and worship! The new playlist is working out beautifully!

Just call me "Had"

"How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head"
Chorus:
"If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light
And I would walk on water
And you will catch me if i fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright"

"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cuz I'm so used to living underneath the surface"
-Storm by Lifehouse

I remember the first time I heard this song, listening at the request of a friend, she and I were both devoted followers of the Lord who had been completely and enormously drowning in our sin. Both of us loved Jesus, read the Bible daily, prayed from our hearts, praised and worshipped the great El Shaddai-- and each of us had thrown our own selves into very dark places where there was no Light, where we didn't know whether we were coming or going.

We both knew what needed to be done, too. And we both fought the Truth. So as we listened to this song, we wept, telling ourselves for the millionth time we will pull ourselves out of the pits and get back Home. Do you see already why we continued to fail? "Ourselves." It doesn't work that way. It is only when we let go of ourselves and allow our Redeemer to scoop us up by His power and His grace, relying fully on Him, that's when satan begins to lose his grip.

That was nearly a year ago. My friend and I were studying Beth Moore's "The Patriarch's" and I remember my friend recommending another of Beth's titles, "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" to me. Praise the Lord, by His working a very undescribable miracle in my own, unworthy life, He rescued me from myself, pulled me into is strong capable and unconditionally loving arms and mercifully forgiving me. He is working to restore me, a lifelong process. I lost contact with my friend, but I think of her so often, and pray she's got a similar testimony. I just finished the book she recommended and feel as though I could read it over and over a dozen times or more and still be impacted from the amazing truths and wisdom Beth shares.

Beth Moore would say I had been "Had" by satan. Now I feel so blessed and thankful to be on the road to being "Healed." I can't recommend this book enough, and i'm praying fiercely for those, who like me, have been Had by a very real, very conniving and evil enemy. My heart is so burdened for you, it aches and pleads, "Don't believe the lies!"

God is so good. He saved me, He'll save you!!!
"He who called you is faithful, and He will do it!" - 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Running With A New Playlist

God's been putting it on my heart for awhile now that I need to adjust my passion for running. While I do believe my love for it is a sweet gift from Him, its easy to get lost in the personal victories and obsessed with the sport itself. well, it is for me, anyways. being that i am one of those EASILY convicted souls- i've wrestled with this for nearly as long as i have been running, which is for three years or so.
lately God seems to be ahem-ing my choice of music more and more often. my races, for instance, have been almost comical the way i will organize my playlist, and my iPod will work perfectly before and after the run, but there's always a glitch that keeps me from listening to those songs during the race. One race instead of the list i had planned to run to, i got "stuck" with slooowwww worship music the whole time. Another race, my iPod just quite altogether for the duration of the run, forcing me to race w/o any music- and let me tell you- listening to my own struggling breathing does nothing to push me faster). Ironically, each time this happens I have ended up with a new PR (personal record- best time)!
when it comes to running, i tend to favor the hardcore, angry rock that has a super fast tempo- songs i would never listen to if i were just riding along in the car. today i cut the strings to that and downloaded a new running playlist- searching out the best upbeat powersongs in the contemporary christian genre. (i.e. LOTS of stellar kart!) i'm still tweaking it a little but the result was a great guilt-free run (despite the 94% humidity) spent in prayer, praise, and lost thoughts in a healthier mindset. i DO want to use my hobby to glorify God and pray that He'll bless this time and run alongside with me :)

Honestly.

torn between two worlds. what i know to be True, and the falsehood of lies that blanket the world so thick you cannot see six inches in front of you. the rest of the world (seemingly for the most part) lives ignorantly in the fog, but not me. in the fog, yes, ignorant- not a chance. i live in knowledge of the clarity that is mine for the grasping, yet why have i not yet claimed it for my own! the groans from my heart bellow "IT'S SO HARD!" The constant battle with the enemy, with myself, with temptation, having sunken so deep in the quicksand culture that i try to climb out of- but grow weary and stop, undoing whatever progress i had made. i've tried giving up, letting myself be fully immersed in the world- but He calls me. He knows i can't resist His voice. He created me for so much more than the muck. so i beg Him, "rescue me" "pull me out." for reasons only He knows, that are no doubt for my own good and for the good of the kingdom He is preparing, its not that easy. how i long to cut the strings of this world, and in the blink of an eye be standing firm on solid ground without a trace of wickedness in sight. i wouldn't be tumbling over the same ELEMENTARY stumbling blocks i continue to faulter with. that i would not even be tempted! that i would FULLY appreciate all He has done- oh, what an ungrateful child i am! i read it, i believe it- but do i? if i truly TRULY believed it- would there be any hesitation to do right?
Romans 7:15 (NLT)
"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate."