Having just finished the book Crazy Love and being knee deep in my Esther study, I am both challenged and enthrawled by the Lord and His Word. Just as I sit here attempting to type about it, I feel at an utter loss for words to describe the yearning of my heart to consumed by Him. When Scripture talks about the Holy Spirit, when words fail us, making groans to God on our behalf, I complete understand the feeling of this. Day after day, reading of God's goodness I feel the urge to drop to my face in worship. I get so frustrated because of all that I want to do. All that I want to retain. All that I want to put into action RIGHT NOW.
My mind has been swirling. Challenged to throw off my old self and let go of the world, my priorities are shifting. I tell my husband, "Let's live at the U.S. median income and give the rest away!" Gone are my fantasies of gadgets and gizmos galore and uppity neighborhoods and a walk-in closet full of high end denim. Gone are the excuses, "If I only had....then I could feel free to give God...." Ridiculous! And as soon as my husband makes the call, we are nixing the internet for our phone service (no more facebooking in traffic). Here's one: Gone are my desires for my girls to experience the excessive american lifestyle- trendy clothes, expensive sports camps, lavish vacations. I just shut off my satelite service today: days before school vacation begins (gasp!). I am bursting at the seams for my three little darlings to have this same passion for their Saviour! I dread the idea that any sort of worldliness would keep them from True fulfillment!!
The sad truth of the matter is that their desire for the Lord has been there for a long time, its their mamas own inconsistancy that has shortchanged them. My oldest has such a heart for missions thanks in large part to some very close friends of ours. She longs to go to the corners of the earth to reach out to those in need. She was nearly outraged when she learned her uncle was spending the summer in a closed country in Africa on the missions field and she wasn't gonna get to go. My youngest takes great comfort in our daily Bible reading. I can't imagine, outside of divine providence, that she understands much of it, but it gives her peace and many days she holds me accountable to reading to them. My middle one, heaven bless her, isn't so obvious all the time, but she surprises me by what she does retain, when i'm convinced she's not listening!
I'm overcome with gratefulness for a Father who faithfully receives a wayward child, forgives her endless list of sins, and not just that, but showers her with His perfect love! If I am the prodigal, then this is the feast! I feel embraced by my Lord, adorned in His graced, celebrated, and cherished! He fans the flame of my heart!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Esther- on being crowned queen.
This was a journaling exercise from Beth Moore's study on Esther that I am currently doing. I tried to have a little fun with it. It takes place a week after Esther is crowned queen, after a seven day party thrown in her honour. She's lying in bed, desperately in need of rest, but unable to sleep...
“Queen of Persia! QUEEN OF PERSIA!!!”
“I can hardly wrap my head around all that has happened these last days!
That the King would choose me!- It makes no sense at all! Yet, here I am!
"And would you look at this place?! Why my entire village could sleep on this bed and not be cramped for room! I’ve seen more riches this past week than I ever knew existed- and I thought the harem was brimming with them!
"Oh, the harem- I am so grateful to be out of that place. I did my best to get along with everyone, but some of those women made it so difficult! The cattiness and the gossip! Such hurting souls so hungry for affirmation, not realizing that their being displayed would afford them just that, but how empty it would feel! And, then, to be…… to……. (shudder runs down her back, tears suddenly pour from her eyes) disgraced, robbed of their innocence and destined to live out her days as a concubine!
“What am I doing here?!?!"
"What would mom and dad think? Oh, what must be going through Mordecai’s head right now! That poor man has been pacing himself silly for a year now! How worried he must be! I wish I could know if he is at least remembering to eat! Perhaps now that I am taken care of that man might notice widow Yovela- she’s been sweet on him for as long as I can remember. Ah, Mordecai, how I wish I were home with you now, tucked in my old bed listening to you recite your evening prayers. I always figured when I married, it would be to someone in the village, so that I can see my dear cousin every day.
“I guess it just wasn’t to be. Now I’m quite sure I will not even see my own husband every day! My husband! I don’t even know the man! All I know of him is what I have overheard in the harem, and I can’t say it casts a favorable light his direction. What if he exiles me like he did his first wife? What if I upset him? I have heard of his temper and of his indulgences. The girls called it the four W’s “Women, wine, war, and wealth.” Sounds like a sad life to me. They told me of the King’s drunken demand that she flaunt herself in front of all his noble buddies and the way she openly refused. Rumor has it, the King’s anger and humiliation burned so fiercely he couldn’t see straight for months. Why, they say Vashti was the whole reason he lost the war!
“Hanessah!!!! Get a hold of yourself! You know better than to pay any attention to here say! Mordecai would be mortified- he would have your backside for sure!
"No, I must not make assumptions, and rely on what I know. Well, I know that the first thing I noticed when I was brought to the king that fateful day was that he seemed a lot older than I had expected. There was a sadness around his eyes that seemed to convey a weariness over the past and resignation over the future. Yes, they were sad eyes indeed.
"I could tell immediately that Hagai had been right about going with the red rubies and simple white gown. “Esther,” he had said, “Your inner beauty will radiate like the desert sun, anything more than this will only take from all that you have to offer the king.” (chuckles) Sounds like something my dear cousin would say.
“One thing for certain, the kindness and gentleness in the king’s voice was completely unexpected. I felt as though I was doing everything wrong, but when he smiled I nearly came undone! And when he asked my thoughts on the new marriage laws I thought I was really in for it! Immediately I realized I was being tested- would I dare disagree with the king’s edict and risk the same fate as Vashti? Or would I stand firm with God’s law and tell the truth? With a giant knot in my throat and a quick prayer toward heaven, I tried to be as respectful as I knew how in my response. At first he said nothing, I braced for the worst, his eyes were fixed on mine and his jaw was set, then slowly he relaxed and sighed, and in a small voice that only I could hear he leaned in and said, “I can’t say I completely disagree. That was not my proudest moment.”
“Was that really an entire week ago?! It seems like only seconds have passed since the King placed that crown upon my head and declared me Queen of all Persia! Its been non-stop ever since. The party, in my favor- I am certain was another test! And all the people and customs and rules and decisions! I think this is the first night I’ve had a chance to really reflect on everything that has transpired.
“I still can’t seem to get over it! I don’t know whether I am coming or going!! I can’t even imagine what will happen tomorrow, let alone years from now. Never in all my wildest dreams as little girl running around the marketplace in Susa could I have imagined that God had THIS in mind for me now. I don’t even know where to begin to take it all in!
"Oh wait, yes I do!”
Esther slips from her covers and to the ground, folds her legs beneath her body and presses her hands and forehead to the cold marble floor, “El Shaddai, I am yours, guide your servant, and let your will be accomplished! Praise you, Mighty King of Kings…” And that is where her maidservants found the new Queen of Persia asleep the next morn.
“Queen of Persia! QUEEN OF PERSIA!!!”
“I can hardly wrap my head around all that has happened these last days!
That the King would choose me!- It makes no sense at all! Yet, here I am!
"And would you look at this place?! Why my entire village could sleep on this bed and not be cramped for room! I’ve seen more riches this past week than I ever knew existed- and I thought the harem was brimming with them!
"Oh, the harem- I am so grateful to be out of that place. I did my best to get along with everyone, but some of those women made it so difficult! The cattiness and the gossip! Such hurting souls so hungry for affirmation, not realizing that their being displayed would afford them just that, but how empty it would feel! And, then, to be…… to……. (shudder runs down her back, tears suddenly pour from her eyes) disgraced, robbed of their innocence and destined to live out her days as a concubine!
“What am I doing here?!?!"
"What would mom and dad think? Oh, what must be going through Mordecai’s head right now! That poor man has been pacing himself silly for a year now! How worried he must be! I wish I could know if he is at least remembering to eat! Perhaps now that I am taken care of that man might notice widow Yovela- she’s been sweet on him for as long as I can remember. Ah, Mordecai, how I wish I were home with you now, tucked in my old bed listening to you recite your evening prayers. I always figured when I married, it would be to someone in the village, so that I can see my dear cousin every day.
“I guess it just wasn’t to be. Now I’m quite sure I will not even see my own husband every day! My husband! I don’t even know the man! All I know of him is what I have overheard in the harem, and I can’t say it casts a favorable light his direction. What if he exiles me like he did his first wife? What if I upset him? I have heard of his temper and of his indulgences. The girls called it the four W’s “Women, wine, war, and wealth.” Sounds like a sad life to me. They told me of the King’s drunken demand that she flaunt herself in front of all his noble buddies and the way she openly refused. Rumor has it, the King’s anger and humiliation burned so fiercely he couldn’t see straight for months. Why, they say Vashti was the whole reason he lost the war!
“Hanessah!!!! Get a hold of yourself! You know better than to pay any attention to here say! Mordecai would be mortified- he would have your backside for sure!
"No, I must not make assumptions, and rely on what I know. Well, I know that the first thing I noticed when I was brought to the king that fateful day was that he seemed a lot older than I had expected. There was a sadness around his eyes that seemed to convey a weariness over the past and resignation over the future. Yes, they were sad eyes indeed.
"I could tell immediately that Hagai had been right about going with the red rubies and simple white gown. “Esther,” he had said, “Your inner beauty will radiate like the desert sun, anything more than this will only take from all that you have to offer the king.” (chuckles) Sounds like something my dear cousin would say.
“One thing for certain, the kindness and gentleness in the king’s voice was completely unexpected. I felt as though I was doing everything wrong, but when he smiled I nearly came undone! And when he asked my thoughts on the new marriage laws I thought I was really in for it! Immediately I realized I was being tested- would I dare disagree with the king’s edict and risk the same fate as Vashti? Or would I stand firm with God’s law and tell the truth? With a giant knot in my throat and a quick prayer toward heaven, I tried to be as respectful as I knew how in my response. At first he said nothing, I braced for the worst, his eyes were fixed on mine and his jaw was set, then slowly he relaxed and sighed, and in a small voice that only I could hear he leaned in and said, “I can’t say I completely disagree. That was not my proudest moment.”
“Was that really an entire week ago?! It seems like only seconds have passed since the King placed that crown upon my head and declared me Queen of all Persia! Its been non-stop ever since. The party, in my favor- I am certain was another test! And all the people and customs and rules and decisions! I think this is the first night I’ve had a chance to really reflect on everything that has transpired.
“I still can’t seem to get over it! I don’t know whether I am coming or going!! I can’t even imagine what will happen tomorrow, let alone years from now. Never in all my wildest dreams as little girl running around the marketplace in Susa could I have imagined that God had THIS in mind for me now. I don’t even know where to begin to take it all in!
"Oh wait, yes I do!”
Esther slips from her covers and to the ground, folds her legs beneath her body and presses her hands and forehead to the cold marble floor, “El Shaddai, I am yours, guide your servant, and let your will be accomplished! Praise you, Mighty King of Kings…” And that is where her maidservants found the new Queen of Persia asleep the next morn.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
"What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
-Psalm 8:4
"Arise, O Lord, let not man triumph; let the nations be judged in your presence. Strike them with terror, O Lord; let the nations know they are but men."
-Psalm 9:19,20
If you were a fly on the wall inside my head the past few weeks you will have witnessed a collaboration of renewed realization in the mighty majesty and incomparable glory of the One True God with a sudden awareness of my own UNworthiness and the overwhelmingly shameful complacency of my faith thus far and that of so many believers like me. Especially those with whom God has blessed their socks off in this little place called America, and whom seem utterly ungrateful.
I have, for the fullness of my 27.5 years been one of these, and my own LUKEWARMNESS shames me greatly. I have had enough of it! I have ridden the fence since salvation and, to tell you the truth, I make myself sick. God has blessed me, though up until recently I tended to resent it, with an "over-active conscious." By that I mean that I feel convicted over sin incredibly easily. I can't get the needle just barely on the other side of the speed limit without the heavy awareness of my disobedience. Unfortunately, I have not allowed this to stop my "small" sins hardly ever, and have even allowed more than my share of "biggins" to slip under the door and take up residence in my life. The convictions never go, though. Thank the Lord for the Holy Spirit who moved in a decade ago and refuses to leave! :)
So. Its spring cleaning season, and I'm sweeping off the cobwebs and tidying up the collasol mess! God has seen to bless me by whitewashing the walls. Scripture is hard at work to polish and scrub even the tiniest of crevices. And I am remembering the peace and freedom that comes with a "clean house." Without the burden of filth hanging on my shoulders, I am freed up to hopefully be used by the Lord and focus on others.
Ok, I think I've exhausted that analogy. But I just want to express that I desperately long to live the life of a radical believer. I don't want to be tossed and blown by the wind, nor do I have any desire to look at myself in the mirror, and walk away forgetting what I look like. I don't want to settle for american christianity and buy into the lies that a life that has God in it is the same as living my life for God. How I wish this sort of awakening for my brothers and sisters in Christ! God is worth so much more than we (very generally speaking) have been offering to Him!
-Psalm 8:4
"Arise, O Lord, let not man triumph; let the nations be judged in your presence. Strike them with terror, O Lord; let the nations know they are but men."
-Psalm 9:19,20
If you were a fly on the wall inside my head the past few weeks you will have witnessed a collaboration of renewed realization in the mighty majesty and incomparable glory of the One True God with a sudden awareness of my own UNworthiness and the overwhelmingly shameful complacency of my faith thus far and that of so many believers like me. Especially those with whom God has blessed their socks off in this little place called America, and whom seem utterly ungrateful.
I have, for the fullness of my 27.5 years been one of these, and my own LUKEWARMNESS shames me greatly. I have had enough of it! I have ridden the fence since salvation and, to tell you the truth, I make myself sick. God has blessed me, though up until recently I tended to resent it, with an "over-active conscious." By that I mean that I feel convicted over sin incredibly easily. I can't get the needle just barely on the other side of the speed limit without the heavy awareness of my disobedience. Unfortunately, I have not allowed this to stop my "small" sins hardly ever, and have even allowed more than my share of "biggins" to slip under the door and take up residence in my life. The convictions never go, though. Thank the Lord for the Holy Spirit who moved in a decade ago and refuses to leave! :)
So. Its spring cleaning season, and I'm sweeping off the cobwebs and tidying up the collasol mess! God has seen to bless me by whitewashing the walls. Scripture is hard at work to polish and scrub even the tiniest of crevices. And I am remembering the peace and freedom that comes with a "clean house." Without the burden of filth hanging on my shoulders, I am freed up to hopefully be used by the Lord and focus on others.
Ok, I think I've exhausted that analogy. But I just want to express that I desperately long to live the life of a radical believer. I don't want to be tossed and blown by the wind, nor do I have any desire to look at myself in the mirror, and walk away forgetting what I look like. I don't want to settle for american christianity and buy into the lies that a life that has God in it is the same as living my life for God. How I wish this sort of awakening for my brothers and sisters in Christ! God is worth so much more than we (very generally speaking) have been offering to Him!
Friday, May 15, 2009
"I'm Christian"
Lately, my thoughts have turned to how loosely we use the term "Christian" in our culture. If you aren't an athiest or catholic or jewish or buddhist- then you are a christian. It seems to be sort of a catchall for anyone not actively pursuing an all together separate belief, yet that person doesn't seem interested in exploring God either. Now, technically I believe that's being called an agnostic, so let me define it further, "I guess I believe in God and all that, I dunno, whatever." So we call them a Christian. If your political views are conservative, you're a Christian. Now, regardless of what you were doing on Saturday night, into the wee hours of Sunday morning, if you roll out of bed and slide into a pew on Sunday, you aren't just a Christian, that makes you a "fanatic" or "Jesus freak."
How many of us are living our lives worthy of such a title? When people ask me, "What religion are you?" or "What denomination are you?" I haven't quite thought up a clever comeback, though I cringe at that word "religion" because it lacks any implication of a personal relationship with God at all, and I'm not a fan of denominations, my answer is straight up, "I'm a Christian." But these days, I want to say so much more. I want to say I'm not JUST a "Christian" but a Bible-believing, heavenbound, sold out life worshipper of the one True El Shaddai, lemmetellyouaboutmySavior Christ-follower!
I'm realizing more and more, and greatly saddened by the fact that so many of us (myself included) practice this watered down worship of the Lord that is such a slap in the face to Him who sits on the throne! Honestly, how much of my day is spent in disobedience, in prideful self-involvement, utterly void of any conscious recognition of the One who created earth and every living thing in it?!
Its an empty shallow life, and such a waste. I want to live this life serving the Lord with wild abandon! The way my heart and soul longs to do, and so often I've allowed either pride or guilt (or both!) keep me from.
How many of us are living our lives worthy of such a title? When people ask me, "What religion are you?" or "What denomination are you?" I haven't quite thought up a clever comeback, though I cringe at that word "religion" because it lacks any implication of a personal relationship with God at all, and I'm not a fan of denominations, my answer is straight up, "I'm a Christian." But these days, I want to say so much more. I want to say I'm not JUST a "Christian" but a Bible-believing, heavenbound, sold out life worshipper of the one True El Shaddai, lemmetellyouaboutmySavior Christ-follower!
I'm realizing more and more, and greatly saddened by the fact that so many of us (myself included) practice this watered down worship of the Lord that is such a slap in the face to Him who sits on the throne! Honestly, how much of my day is spent in disobedience, in prideful self-involvement, utterly void of any conscious recognition of the One who created earth and every living thing in it?!
Its an empty shallow life, and such a waste. I want to live this life serving the Lord with wild abandon! The way my heart and soul longs to do, and so often I've allowed either pride or guilt (or both!) keep me from.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
5/13/09
Verse for today:
Yesterday, God brought to me a passage in Psalms I'd never read before. In fact, the whole of Psalm 94 lifted me up, but verses 18 and 19 really hit home:
"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
How true it is! No matter how far or often I stray from the Lord, the knowledge of His love for me is impossible to let go of or forget. There have been seasons when I flat out told God, "I know this is not right, but I don't care, cuz I want what I want!" There have been pits I've thrown myself in, foolishly forsaking Christ and inviting all sorts of nonsensical sin to dwell in my life. But regardless of how I tried to suffocate the Spirit, my heart knew too much, that which Christ has done for me!
A familiar feeling swept over me yesterday. Suddenly, my heart began racing, my hands shaking, and I felt a sense of urgency overwhelm me. Praise God I recognized what was happening! "Pray!" the Spirit was saying, "Right now, fall to your knees and pray!" I scrambled to discern how I should pray but it was never revealed to me. As names and faces came to mind I interceded as best as I could, but felt as though, and I'm laughing because I wouldn't believe it if I had not experienced it, the Spirit inside me was having a direct conversation with the Lord in a language I could not understand. They were leaving me out! LOL!!
In the past I believe I would have worried myself senseless about the nature of these feelings and set my mind on finding the meaning behind it, but in truth, I'm delighted. I simply relish anytime the Lord chooses to speak to me, whether its in English or not! I was delighted at the opportunity to pray, and be used by Him! Perhaps, God used this as a reminder to me that He is alive and at work in me, perhaps it was to keep my mind focused on Him for the remainder of the day, giving me strength to resist temptations. Maybe it was for no other reasons than those, and maybe there was more to it. I just praise God for who he is and the consolation to my soul which brings so much joy!
Now, I am off to my run, to reflect and worship! The new playlist is working out beautifully!
Yesterday, God brought to me a passage in Psalms I'd never read before. In fact, the whole of Psalm 94 lifted me up, but verses 18 and 19 really hit home:
"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."
How true it is! No matter how far or often I stray from the Lord, the knowledge of His love for me is impossible to let go of or forget. There have been seasons when I flat out told God, "I know this is not right, but I don't care, cuz I want what I want!" There have been pits I've thrown myself in, foolishly forsaking Christ and inviting all sorts of nonsensical sin to dwell in my life. But regardless of how I tried to suffocate the Spirit, my heart knew too much, that which Christ has done for me!
A familiar feeling swept over me yesterday. Suddenly, my heart began racing, my hands shaking, and I felt a sense of urgency overwhelm me. Praise God I recognized what was happening! "Pray!" the Spirit was saying, "Right now, fall to your knees and pray!" I scrambled to discern how I should pray but it was never revealed to me. As names and faces came to mind I interceded as best as I could, but felt as though, and I'm laughing because I wouldn't believe it if I had not experienced it, the Spirit inside me was having a direct conversation with the Lord in a language I could not understand. They were leaving me out! LOL!!
In the past I believe I would have worried myself senseless about the nature of these feelings and set my mind on finding the meaning behind it, but in truth, I'm delighted. I simply relish anytime the Lord chooses to speak to me, whether its in English or not! I was delighted at the opportunity to pray, and be used by Him! Perhaps, God used this as a reminder to me that He is alive and at work in me, perhaps it was to keep my mind focused on Him for the remainder of the day, giving me strength to resist temptations. Maybe it was for no other reasons than those, and maybe there was more to it. I just praise God for who he is and the consolation to my soul which brings so much joy!
Now, I am off to my run, to reflect and worship! The new playlist is working out beautifully!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Just call me "Had"
"How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head"
Chorus:
"If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light
And I would walk on water
And you will catch me if i fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright"
"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cuz I'm so used to living underneath the surface"
-Storm by Lifehouse
I remember the first time I heard this song, listening at the request of a friend, she and I were both devoted followers of the Lord who had been completely and enormously drowning in our sin. Both of us loved Jesus, read the Bible daily, prayed from our hearts, praised and worshipped the great El Shaddai-- and each of us had thrown our own selves into very dark places where there was no Light, where we didn't know whether we were coming or going.
We both knew what needed to be done, too. And we both fought the Truth. So as we listened to this song, we wept, telling ourselves for the millionth time we will pull ourselves out of the pits and get back Home. Do you see already why we continued to fail? "Ourselves." It doesn't work that way. It is only when we let go of ourselves and allow our Redeemer to scoop us up by His power and His grace, relying fully on Him, that's when satan begins to lose his grip.
That was nearly a year ago. My friend and I were studying Beth Moore's "The Patriarch's" and I remember my friend recommending another of Beth's titles, "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" to me. Praise the Lord, by His working a very undescribable miracle in my own, unworthy life, He rescued me from myself, pulled me into is strong capable and unconditionally loving arms and mercifully forgiving me. He is working to restore me, a lifelong process. I lost contact with my friend, but I think of her so often, and pray she's got a similar testimony. I just finished the book she recommended and feel as though I could read it over and over a dozen times or more and still be impacted from the amazing truths and wisdom Beth shares.
Beth Moore would say I had been "Had" by satan. Now I feel so blessed and thankful to be on the road to being "Healed." I can't recommend this book enough, and i'm praying fiercely for those, who like me, have been Had by a very real, very conniving and evil enemy. My heart is so burdened for you, it aches and pleads, "Don't believe the lies!"
God is so good. He saved me, He'll save you!!!
"He who called you is faithful, and He will do it!" - 1 Thessalonians 5:24
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head"
Chorus:
"If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light
And I would walk on water
And you will catch me if i fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright"
"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cuz I'm so used to living underneath the surface"
-Storm by Lifehouse
I remember the first time I heard this song, listening at the request of a friend, she and I were both devoted followers of the Lord who had been completely and enormously drowning in our sin. Both of us loved Jesus, read the Bible daily, prayed from our hearts, praised and worshipped the great El Shaddai-- and each of us had thrown our own selves into very dark places where there was no Light, where we didn't know whether we were coming or going.
We both knew what needed to be done, too. And we both fought the Truth. So as we listened to this song, we wept, telling ourselves for the millionth time we will pull ourselves out of the pits and get back Home. Do you see already why we continued to fail? "Ourselves." It doesn't work that way. It is only when we let go of ourselves and allow our Redeemer to scoop us up by His power and His grace, relying fully on Him, that's when satan begins to lose his grip.
That was nearly a year ago. My friend and I were studying Beth Moore's "The Patriarch's" and I remember my friend recommending another of Beth's titles, "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" to me. Praise the Lord, by His working a very undescribable miracle in my own, unworthy life, He rescued me from myself, pulled me into is strong capable and unconditionally loving arms and mercifully forgiving me. He is working to restore me, a lifelong process. I lost contact with my friend, but I think of her so often, and pray she's got a similar testimony. I just finished the book she recommended and feel as though I could read it over and over a dozen times or more and still be impacted from the amazing truths and wisdom Beth shares.
Beth Moore would say I had been "Had" by satan. Now I feel so blessed and thankful to be on the road to being "Healed." I can't recommend this book enough, and i'm praying fiercely for those, who like me, have been Had by a very real, very conniving and evil enemy. My heart is so burdened for you, it aches and pleads, "Don't believe the lies!"
God is so good. He saved me, He'll save you!!!
"He who called you is faithful, and He will do it!" - 1 Thessalonians 5:24
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Running With A New Playlist
God's been putting it on my heart for awhile now that I need to adjust my passion for running. While I do believe my love for it is a sweet gift from Him, its easy to get lost in the personal victories and obsessed with the sport itself. well, it is for me, anyways. being that i am one of those EASILY convicted souls- i've wrestled with this for nearly as long as i have been running, which is for three years or so.
lately God seems to be ahem-ing my choice of music more and more often. my races, for instance, have been almost comical the way i will organize my playlist, and my iPod will work perfectly before and after the run, but there's always a glitch that keeps me from listening to those songs during the race. One race instead of the list i had planned to run to, i got "stuck" with slooowwww worship music the whole time. Another race, my iPod just quite altogether for the duration of the run, forcing me to race w/o any music- and let me tell you- listening to my own struggling breathing does nothing to push me faster). Ironically, each time this happens I have ended up with a new PR (personal record- best time)!
when it comes to running, i tend to favor the hardcore, angry rock that has a super fast tempo- songs i would never listen to if i were just riding along in the car. today i cut the strings to that and downloaded a new running playlist- searching out the best upbeat powersongs in the contemporary christian genre. (i.e. LOTS of stellar kart!) i'm still tweaking it a little but the result was a great guilt-free run (despite the 94% humidity) spent in prayer, praise, and lost thoughts in a healthier mindset. i DO want to use my hobby to glorify God and pray that He'll bless this time and run alongside with me :)
lately God seems to be ahem-ing my choice of music more and more often. my races, for instance, have been almost comical the way i will organize my playlist, and my iPod will work perfectly before and after the run, but there's always a glitch that keeps me from listening to those songs during the race. One race instead of the list i had planned to run to, i got "stuck" with slooowwww worship music the whole time. Another race, my iPod just quite altogether for the duration of the run, forcing me to race w/o any music- and let me tell you- listening to my own struggling breathing does nothing to push me faster). Ironically, each time this happens I have ended up with a new PR (personal record- best time)!
when it comes to running, i tend to favor the hardcore, angry rock that has a super fast tempo- songs i would never listen to if i were just riding along in the car. today i cut the strings to that and downloaded a new running playlist- searching out the best upbeat powersongs in the contemporary christian genre. (i.e. LOTS of stellar kart!) i'm still tweaking it a little but the result was a great guilt-free run (despite the 94% humidity) spent in prayer, praise, and lost thoughts in a healthier mindset. i DO want to use my hobby to glorify God and pray that He'll bless this time and run alongside with me :)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Honestly.
torn between two worlds. what i know to be True, and the falsehood of lies that blanket the world so thick you cannot see six inches in front of you. the rest of the world (seemingly for the most part) lives ignorantly in the fog, but not me. in the fog, yes, ignorant- not a chance. i live in knowledge of the clarity that is mine for the grasping, yet why have i not yet claimed it for my own! the groans from my heart bellow "IT'S SO HARD!" The constant battle with the enemy, with myself, with temptation, having sunken so deep in the quicksand culture that i try to climb out of- but grow weary and stop, undoing whatever progress i had made. i've tried giving up, letting myself be fully immersed in the world- but He calls me. He knows i can't resist His voice. He created me for so much more than the muck. so i beg Him, "rescue me" "pull me out." for reasons only He knows, that are no doubt for my own good and for the good of the kingdom He is preparing, its not that easy. how i long to cut the strings of this world, and in the blink of an eye be standing firm on solid ground without a trace of wickedness in sight. i wouldn't be tumbling over the same ELEMENTARY stumbling blocks i continue to faulter with. that i would not even be tempted! that i would FULLY appreciate all He has done- oh, what an ungrateful child i am! i read it, i believe it- but do i? if i truly TRULY believed it- would there be any hesitation to do right?
Romans 7:15 (NLT)
"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate."
Romans 7:15 (NLT)
"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate."
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