It is an interesting thing to me when you live long enought to see connections in how God has allowed your life to be influenced. For instance, my desire to work with teenagers was birthed well before I ever was one myself. My tumultuous years as a teen has equipped me for this season of my life to work with them, empathize to some degree, and hopefully encourage and challenge them.
Likewise, my desire for God's Word was birthed well before I began my relationship with Him. As a nine year old I remember dusting off my father's old King James leatherbound Bible, starting "In the beginning" and usually not making it past "On the fifth day..." before giving up-but the desire was there. Our family didn't go to church or talk about God, but I knew it was an important book. Then as a 19 year old newlywed, I went back to Genesis 1:1 and prayed that God would excite me for His Word-and since then, those pages became like a gripping suspenseful page-turning novel in that I can't seem to get enough! I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to show me next! God is so faithful!!
I used to struggle quite a bit, and sometimes still do, over how the Lord convicts people differently in gray matters like alchohol, birth control, politics, etc. It would drive me crazy that other people weren't convicted like I am. As I write that the image pops up in my head of the lecture I am constantly giving my daughters when they want to tattle or boss one another, I say, "YOU worry about what YOU are doing!" Because the truth is we are each held accountable for our own actions. It is not for us to decide how one ought to be convicted. Now, there are definite wrongs and rights clearly discussed in God's Word, but for those gray areas-I have too much plank left in my own eye to get worked up about the sawdust in my neighbor's. Leave the convicting to the Holy Spirit.
That said, I am beginning to see definite connections throughout my life that lead me to believe God is calling me to live radically for Him. My convictions are deep. My interpretations of Scripture are such that I draw closer to Paul's proclamation "I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things." (Philippians 3:8). That is to say, "what else matters?" I remember being 20 years old, newlywed, with a baby and having every financial "complication" stacked against me. I remember feeling an odd sense of joy in my circumstances that with an empty wallet came a humility that would/could bond my little family and somewhat force us to rely on the Lord. Ha. And I remember getting that "she is crazy" look from others for this view. As years have passed I've watched "good fortune" fall on a lot of people around me. They accumulate toys and wealth, success, etc. and the temptation is to envy them. Now, I want to pause a moment and say that I KNOW that I am EXTREMELY blessed, living on means that would be categorized under "ridiculously filthy rich" to most of the world. But in the context of middle-class America and the narrow-minded temptations we are challenged by to compare ourselves to other middle-classed Americans (which is just nonsense and foolishness), this is what we face. And in that, we would "seem" to be at a disadvantage. As years pass and the more I study Scripture, the more thankful I become that so much wasn't handed to me freely without having to work for it. Knowing my personality and prone to pridefulness, I tend to believe I would not respond well to it. What humility I have is because things have not gone my way. After all, "God does not tempt you beyond what you can bare..." I doubt I am strong enought to win the lottery and do right by it. haha. But seriously, the more I seek God, the less appeal the trappings of this world have on me and I'm so thankful for it!!! Pursuing such things always left me empty! Pursuing God-now there's a promise that delivers!!
So instead of constantly fighting my convictions I am learning to embrace them. I believe God will continue to refine me in this way, and I believe, by doing so, make me a little more Christ-like. :)
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